A good day.

I haven't felt like the best mom ever lately. I haven't felt like I've been enjoying my children like I should. Today was not one of those days and because of that I don't want to forget it.

Today wasn't anything special. I got both girls ready and Bella and I were having such a good time talking and getting her ready that we were almost late for school.

I was even able to squeeze a nice nap in which I think is half the reason to our great day because I honestly felt like a new woman when I woke up! I got out the door and Headed to Costco. The only two things I really needed from there was diapers And gas which i did both but since we had no where to be and j was in a good mood we just browsed and waisted time. Bella showed me all the toys she wanted Santa to get her, charlie sampled the snacks they had and we just had a good time being girls! Bella got some new fleece lined legging which made me the best mom ever in Bellas eyes. 

Next was target, which I needed nothing from. Looked at all the clothes and when we left I decided "I don't feel like cooking." So off the McDonald's we went and I got Bella a happy meal which she said "mom your the best!! I'll love you forever." And as I gave charlie a French fry I could see it in her eyes that she said it too ;) 

In other words, i waisted time today, didn't clean, didn't cook a healthy meal. We are junk food but at the end of the day I felt like a winner in my daughters eyes. I never yelled. I wasn't distracted on my phone. I was with my girls, we laughed. I was grateful to be their mom. I was grateful that doug works so hard  so that I can stay home and enjoy my kids. I am grateful that I was present and fully enjoyed my babies. My heart is full tonday. 

Total mom moment.

Every day my alarm on my phone goes off at 3pm to pick up Bella from the bus stop. I looked at my phone at 2:55 and got a head start (because I need it now that it's cold) and got my shoes on and grabbed my jacket from my room. Right at 3 my phone goes off I pick up charlie to put her coat on and I notice she's stinky so I take her to her room to change her and get her ready to go and of course as I move my hand I notice it's wet. I look at her back and she had a MAJOR blow out up to her neck! 

I don't have time for this mess but what's a mom to do when her baby is covered in poop? I hurry and strip her, run to the bathroom and scrub her body really fast. Don't wash her hair because it's cold outside. I got her dressed (pajamas of course) quicker than quick and I'm out the door in ten minutes. Lucky for me my neighbor is nice and is already walking Bella home since I was obviously late picking her up. 

Thank you charlie for exploding in between 2:55 and 3. 

My brain at midnight.

Charlie's first birthday is coming up and it's starting to scare me but not for the reason you would expect. Yes, I can't believe she'll be one in 6 weeks and all that jazz but mostly I can't believe I still don't have any idea of when doug and I will be ready to have baby #3. I know your probably wondering "areli, calm down she'll only be one." But I have a few fears. I'm afraid I'll never feel ready but I know I want another baby. I'm afraid doug will never feel ready even though I know he doesn't feel done yet either. I'm afraid I'll feel ready and not be able to get pregnant for a long time and my babies won't be close in age again. I'm afraid I won't be able to get pregnant at all and feel that ache in my heart again. I'm afraid charlie might be my last baby and I'm not appreciating her enough. Will I never have a son? Will I never have another daughter? 

Believe me I have been praying about when will be the right time and I am still unsure. Will I wait 6 months? Will I wait another year? Will I wait a year, feel ready and not be able to get pregnant for another year and a half? 

I'm not sure. All I know is I need to have faith. I need to trust Heavenly Father and remember no matter the outcome, no matter my feeling during the process in the end I will feel heavenly fathers love. He will hold me up when I feel like falling. 

I wish I had a magic number the perfect number of months or years to wait to have a child. But I know well enough that there is no magic number and my plan and Doug's plan doesn't really matter. The uncertainty is the worst. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see a glimpse of the future.