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Monday, November 17, 2014

My brain at midnight.

Charlie's first birthday is coming up and it's starting to scare me but not for the reason you would expect. Yes, I can't believe she'll be one in 6 weeks and all that jazz but mostly I can't believe I still don't have any idea of when doug and I will be ready to have baby #3. I know your probably wondering "areli, calm down she'll only be one." But I have a few fears. I'm afraid I'll never feel ready but I know I want another baby. I'm afraid doug will never feel ready even though I know he doesn't feel done yet either. I'm afraid I'll feel ready and not be able to get pregnant for a long time and my babies won't be close in age again. I'm afraid I won't be able to get pregnant at all and feel that ache in my heart again. I'm afraid charlie might be my last baby and I'm not appreciating her enough. Will I never have a son? Will I never have another daughter? 
Believe me I have been praying about when will be the right time and I am still unsure. Will I wait 6 months? Will I wait another year? Will I wait a year, feel ready and not be able to get pregnant for another year and a half? 
I'm not sure. All I know is I need to have faith. I need to trust Heavenly Father and remember no matter the outcome, no matter my feeling during the process in the end I will feel heavenly fathers love. He will hold me up when I feel like falling. 

I wish I had a magic number the perfect number of months or years to wait to have a child. But I know well enough that there is no magic number and my plan and Doug's plan doesn't really matter. The uncertainty is the worst. I wish I could look into a crystal ball and see a glimpse of the future. 

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